Comfort and Hope

Richard Hill and David Dent-
taken Oct. 6, 2002 at my Graduate Recital in Houston.

I am allowing myself one blog this year to remember those who left us last fall--Stephen's Dad (Richard) who passed away a year ago today, his grandmother (Uldene), my grandmother (Eleanor), grandfather (Bert) and my great aunt (Alice)--and 8 years ago my father (David). 

Death is a hard thing and it doesn't matter how you go.  If it is a quick, tragic event where you don't get to say good-bye such as a car accident or if it is a long drawn out cancer, it doesn't matter.  Death is death and there is no easy way to go. And, it's hard on all involved.

However, there is hope.  God has a plan.  He has a reason for everything.  Without this hope and view of such purpose, life and the passing of life is a sad experience. 

I Chronicles 29:15 says, "We are here for only a moment...Our days on earth are like a shadow, without hope."  And it's true, we are only here for a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of time, but put here for a purpose.  Without hope it is a hollow, shallow, self-centered existence. 

Just look at Job and how many times the word "hope" is mentioned in his book--at least 18 times depending on the translation.  Psalms--full of hope.  Hope and faith are what bring us through the tough times.  And, those times will come no matter who you are.  This hope is what gives us purpose and to persevere no matter the circumstances. 

We have this hope because God has given us grace.  His grace is an undeserved favor, mercy rescuing us from our own destruction, because we are all sinners and fallen short of His glory.  We can't be made right by doing what the law commands, it just shows us how sin-filled we are. We don't earn grace by doing good deeds either. God gave his son, Jesus as a sacrifice for sin.  (Rom. 3:20-26, 4:16, and Eph. 2:8-9)  And, he conquered the grave.  Death has been defeated and those who put their trust in Him will have eternal life. (John 17:3 and I Cor. 15:56-57) 

This is the comfort and confirmation he gives us. 

Recently, again in choir practice I was reminded by the text of what it will be like.  We were singing Mack Wilberg's "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need."  It's a take on the 23 Psalm with beautiful words, text painting finely woven into the texture of the music accompanied by (every time I've done it) 2 flutes.  The last stanza was the one that really hit home, paralleling verse 6--"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." 

"Thy sure provision of my God attend me all my days.
O may thy house be mine abode and all my work be praise! 
There would I find a settled rest while others come and go,
No more a stranger, nor a guest, but like a child at home."

Our choir director, Phillip reminded most of us about what it feels like to come back home from college--to have that home cooked meal and love lavished on us by parents who have missed us--to feel like a child at home.  Through no fault of anyone, I haven't felt this on earth since the passing of Dadoo.  Mom doesn't live in the same house where I grew up (and I'm glad she doesn't.)  But when I "go home" I don't feel like a stranger or a guest, but I also don't feel "like a child at home."  My hope is that one day with my heavenly Father, I will feel that again.  Not a stranger or a guest, but like a child at home.

I know that Dadoo, Richard, Uldene, Alice, Gran and Granpaw feel that today.  They are settled in and feel that rest in the Lord.  Their work was all praise for Him and now they are at home.  I can't wait to have that feeling with my heavenly father and be reunited with those I love.

I have hope in my Lord, Jesus Christ.

Art: Picasso's Child Holding a Dove

TRAINS!

Advent activity #8 was inspired by Dadoo. He loved trains and made many of his own models. We headed to North Park Mall today to see their massive toy train display. The exhibit features more than 40 vintage locomotives chugging along 2,500 feet of track on a magical journey across America. We saw the trains wind through captivating scenes and national landmarks including the Washington Monument, the White House, Golden Gate Bridge, Statue of Liberty, Times Square and more.

It was so emotionally overwhelming right when we walked in that I nearly cried. Dadoo would have gone "ga-ga" over this, as Cavett would say. Kendrick's excitement was probably just as much. I have never seen him so worked up! We stayed for a solid hour---just watching. I couldn't believe it. Toward the last 15 minutes, I kept asking Kendrick if he was ready to leave. His reply, "Nope!"

What was also an amazement to me was that the proceeds from the exhibit provide almost half of the $1.3 million operating budget for the Ronald McDonald House of Dallas, raising more than $5 million over the ten years the exhibit has been at NorthPark Center. So we were happy to pay the addmission price to benefit those children and family with needs.

The Great Exchange-Part II

If you missed part one, go check out my sister's blog. But long story short, she kept mine and now I'm keeping hers.

Part II began yesterday with a quite complicated list of transportation arrangements. Luckily the weather cooperated and both Candace and I made our flights and Candice, the babysitter filled in the interum to shuttle to and from the airport and watch the kids for an hour or two.

Yesterday evening went well--they got thier "surprises" from my trip to San Francisco with Stephen, dinner, bath and bed. Easy. Done by 7:45. All slept through the night execpt for me. I was still on Pacific time and I was too worried about who might wake up and where they might end up if I don't wake up. Z did wake up at 5:30, but hee went straight back to bed.

Today began at 6:30 with cuddles with K in bed. I missed this boy!!! Z joined at 7 with C and AG not far behind and we began breakfast of blueberry muffins. Sesame Street ensued and the cabinets spwed toys while I got dressed and things ready for the day. We headed to Boomerang's at 9:30 for some energy emmision. But it seemed the arcade games seem to take most of the draw no matter that there were no coins to put in them.

We had packed a picnic lunch since it was only to get to 90 today and we headed to a park just off Alma next to the fire station. We ate, we played, we swang and it felt hotter than 90 so we headed home for naps. My fav--cuddling with C and AG on the sofa while watching a movie.

After naps, we snacked and headed back out again, this time to a spray park in McKinney. Now at this point, I'm sure Candace is reading this thinking, "Uh, oh. She's Onion Creeking." But, all was well and we had a great time. I think the best part was when they discovered horse apples. QUite a discovery and so many uses--racing them, trying to crack them, dropping them off high bridges, using them as bowling balls. Luckily, there were 4.

Since we became quite dirty we headed straight for the shower, then dinner and a tribute to Dadoo. Just as we were headed to the bedroom, I came around the corner and found K and Z at the piano. So, "three fingers" showed up to play a few ditties for dancing and singing. It was the highlight of the day. If only it could have been Dadoo playing instead of me. Hopefully, I can post video soon.

I feel like I am doing a pretty good job at this. Now don't get me wrong, it's hard, way hard, but I'm hanging tough. Check me on Monday though.

P.S.--I know you are wondering about our trip and maybe I'll get around to it, but suffice it to say, we ate and drank well and it was much needed after the past 7 months.

Wordless Wednesday: Trains

Yesterday after SongPlay, we trekked to a different part of town to find an obscure paint store--Kwal. (I had never heard of it, but evidently that is what they painted my new house with and this store only sells it by the gallon!) As we were leaving the store, a train was passing just behind our car. We watched the entire train and let me tell you it was a long one. Both boys just stood and watched. I asked at one point if they were ready to go and no one budged. We saw it to the end and remembered our Dadoo.

This lead to a much deeper discussion about death and heaven than Cavett and I have ever had. It broke my heart to tell him that we will all die one day. The only way I got through it was telling him that one day Jesus is going to come back one day and wipe pain and death out. Truly, I guess that is what gets most every one I know through the day. If only more people realized this....



"God will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." Revelations 21:4

For more Wordless Wednesday:

F is for Father

As I was reading Scribbit's Write-Away assignment this month, something inside of me told me I needed to contribute. Immediately after reading the caveats (1. have the subject of Thanksgiving and 2. begin with the letter F) I knew my subject--my Father. I firmly believe that when there is a desire or a push there is a need and a pull. Maybe someone out there needs to hear my words. Maybe there will be comfort, reassurance or just a new knowledge. Here is my story.

Six years and 13 days ago, my mother and father were on their way to a cabin in East Texas to spend the weekend with two other couples. Our three families, a total of ten kids, had spent most of the past Halloween weekends camping outdoors instead of trick-or-treating. Other times of the year we would exchange Christmas presents or have game nights. They were my extended family and both of the other couples are like parents to me. Years had passed and all the kids were grown and out of the houses. The couples were re-uniting sans kids this go around.

Dad had just taken a new job in Texarkana and was commuting about an hour north every day. He had a cold that night and didn't feel good. Mom had had a rough week of teaching second graders. They discussed whether or not they should still go, but decided in the end that it would be a good get-away. About 20 miles from the cabin, my mother called to tell the others they were almost there. Thirty minutes later, Mr. David and Mr. Gary decided to go look for them when they received no answer on the phone. Three miles up the road they discovered the accident.

The country road was dark and not well lit. The speed limit was 70 mph. There was a man on the opposite side of the road, stopped with his boat. Dad slowed a bit to see if the man needed any help. When he looked back, the road had ended. My father came up on a T in the road that wasn't marked. No warning signs, no sign at the T with arrows pointing in either direction, no indication of reduced speed, no barrier. He veered as much as possible, but still hit a tree head on in their white mini-van. There were no air bags and Dad never wore his seat belt. Luckily, my mother was wearing hers. My mother was injured severely and as she felt my father slump over on her and moan, she heard him take his last breath. She also remembers hearing the voice of someone with them, checking on them and telling her to "let him go" and to focus on herself. But, when she saw the first responder and asked about that voice, they insisted that no one else had been there. We both believe it was an angel or God himself.

Today on his birthday, I miss my father. But I am so very thankful that I was blessed with such a generous, wise, loving, caring, and kind earthly father. He had many quirks, as we all do, but that is what made his personality meaningful. I am thankful that he passed on his love for music to me, that he taught me how to make Mexican hot sauce, that he showed me what I need to look for in a husband. Most of all though, I am thankful that he knew our Heavenly Father and that he understood what it meant to be like Christ. I didn't really know his relationships with his friends, but I was in awe in the weeks after his passing to hear the stories of how he led so many people to love God so fully.

You may wonder "why would God let this happen to a man that is doing His will?" It's a good question and one I may not ever have an answer to, but I know this; my father is in heaven and our Heavenly Father has a plan. One day that plan will be revealed and our Father will conquer the final enemy. It is written "The last enemy to be destroyed is death." I Corinthians 15:26. How thankful I am that God gave his only Son to save us from this death! I am thankful that I will one day see my earthly father again. But, for now, I am thankful my father is there watching me and my little boys with a smile. I am doing my best to teach my children what it means to be a man like their "Dadoo," as we lovingly called him. I am so thankful that he taught me about our Heavenly Father so that I may continue to carry the torch of truth and light which shone so brightly in his heart.

A Dadoo Kinda Afternoon

After naps, we all piled in the car for a "going place" kinda day. We didn't tell Cavett where we were going, we just went. Our first stop was the Rosenberg Railroad Museum. Dad would have had a field day with this place. Who knew there were so many different rail lines going through Fort Bend County! After watching a short video, we toured the gallery and then got to get on a caboose. Way cool! There was also one other passenger car that they are in the midst of restoring, so we weren't able to get on it. While we were at the museum, at least 2 real trains came by. There was also a model "N" train set to look at. This scale is much smaller than Dad's. The set was amazing--so detailed and it modeled different parts of Fort Bend at different times during the last century.

Our next adventure was to the gas station to fill up. Ok, so that wasn't the only reason we were there. Cavett got his first taste of real sugary Dr. Pepper. Dad and Uncle Jonny would have said it's not really the REAL Dr. Pepper as it is made with true sugar cane syrup, instead of corn syrup, but it was as close as we could get.

Next, we headed north to Katy. We ate dinner at a Mexican restaurant where Cavett and I gobbled up the hot sauce and chips. Another Dadoo favorite.

For the ultimate "going place" we ended up inside Katy Mills Mall for Lunar Golf. This is a black light putt-putt golf course. Cavett loved it! I have a feeling this will be the birthday party place for the 4 year old in January. Kendrick enjoyed himself as well, climbing over all the obstacles.

To end the night, we made a stop at Marble Slab sharing ice cream with one another.

It was a good day and one I wish Dadoo could have enjoyed with us.

Being a Single Mom

Being a single Mom really stinks. I am so thankful and appreciative of Stephen. He is so helpful and truly cares about his children and me. I am blessed to have him as a husband. We all really miss him when he is gone, but we know it is for the good of all. That being said, we had a great time in Shreveport, but it was really hard. I'm not going to lie and make it sound all rosey.

The trip up wasn't too bad, but after lunch at Chick-Fil-A in Lufkin, Kendrick never fell asleep for his afternoon nap and fussed the last 2 hours. When we arrived I put him straight to bed and he napped until 5. That evening we had dinner at Taco Mania and I had an enjoyable evening catching up with Nana.

Wednesday was Anna Grace and Memaw's birthday. So, while Nana was at work we waited for Anna Grace to come home early from school. We packed up a lunch and headed to the park with Anna Grace's new bike and a scooter for Cavett. Candace really captured some cute pics, so check out her blog too.

That evening we had a babysitter stay with the 2 little boys at Candace's house while we celebrated birthdays at Monjuni's. We did all the regular birthday things for the girls including gifts and cake. Memaw received an opal ring that she just adores and Anna Grace received several Fancy Nancy or princess items.

Thursday Candace and I took the kids to the Boardwalk in Bossier and did a little shopping. The kids got to ride the carousel and play in the pumpkin patch. Again, catch Candace's blog. We grabbed lunch at Fuddrucker's and then back to the house for nap time. Unfortunately, when we got home Cavett didn't get his pants pulled down in time and we had the first of a series of accidents. Poor thing, it even made it to his shoes. Naps were had and I did wash and changed sheets, since we would all be sleeping upstairs the next evening. Nana had some friends coming in.

Thursday evening Candace cooked Spaghetti Squash Ratatouille for all. Yummy and very good for you! After baths, I put Cavett in Nana's bed to start and Kendrick in the crib. All the siblings headed over to Jonny's to watch the Auburn game. I really don't have any interest in the game, but it was good to be with my brother and sisters.

When I came back home, I decided to pick up Cavett and take him into Kendrick's room with me. I didn't want him waking up early when Nana goes to work. Unfortunately, Kendrick woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep. He just kept screaming and I didn't want to keep everyone in the house awake, so Kendrick slept in the bed with Cavett and me. Mind you this is a double bed. It wasn't very restful. Long about 3 am, I was awoken by the smell of pee. Cavett had another accident, but didn't even wake up to realize it. That is how tired he was. We stripped him and I sent him to Nana's bed. However, it was too wet for Kendrick and me as well, so all 4 of us were in Nana's bed for a bit. Kendrick thought it was play time and wouldn't go back to sleep, so I had to let him cry in his crib.

We slept until 7:30 am Friday morning. The kids watched tv while I showered. We headed to Gran's to visit for a bit and then to Jumping Jupiter. Why hadn't I know about this place? We could have definitely spent Wednesday morning there. We had a fabulous time and I dare say it was the highlight of the trip. We finally got some time in with Aunt Karen and William. Time was too short as we were meeting Jonny and Amber for an early lunch at Superior. I ordered Cavett quesadillas and he didn't touch them. Not a bite and they changed me for an adult order and added unwanted rice and charged me for that too! I wasn't pleased.

Of course, nap time came and I packed the car. Kendrick only slept about 45 minutes, so I wasn't able to sleep either. I went up to get him and we laid down together and he fussed. He was still tired and didn't want to get up but also wasn't confortable. We rolled around on the bed for about an hour until I couldn't take it any more. Nana's house guests were also napping, so I did the best I could do to keep him quiet downstairs.

Cavett woke up and again had another accident not getting his pants down. Of course, all the suitcases were packed tightly in the trunk. I melted. Good thing Nana made it home. She cooked the boys french toast and I recovered. I was just done. I was literally tired, and tired of accidents, tired of trying to get kids to eat and worrying about getting a rounded meal. Tired of the chaos, tired of not being in my own home, tired of the struggles and juggling children by myself. It's just harder when you're not at home. (Ok, and I'm also PMS-ing).

We got in the car and after stopping at Counter Culture for a Humphrey Yogart for me, we headed back to Sugar Land. Kendrick cried and slept off and on. Cavett watched two movies and then we listened to classical music. Surprisingly, I wasn't terribly sleepy. But, I did stop for a latte in Lufkin. I cried the last hour of the trip. I was sad that it didn't go as well as I had hoped and that I wasn't able to spend more time with Mom. I was sad that my Dad isn't here to play with and get to know my boys. It's just a tough time of year. As much as I love the weather, fall is a tough season.

A Cuddle and a Thumb Smashing

For the past two nights Cavett and I have shared a King size bed at Grandmama's house. While it was fun to sleep with him, it was a little difficult. You see he is a cuddler in bed. You would think that would be great, but it is to the extent that he can't sleep and as a result you can't sleep. At one point around 1:00 am, he sat up and started feeling my face because I had rolled over away from him. I asked him if he was ok and his response was, "Yea, I just want to hug you." So sweet.



As I layed there with him with our arms around each other, I remembered laying next to Dadoo on the couch or on the bed. I remembered most of all his breathing. I wanted my breath to be insync with his breath. But, I remembered thinking that I couldn't hold my breath that long. Again, I wanted my breath to be insync with Cavett's, but this time I couldn't breathe that fast and it not feel funny. Oh well, it was still good to have my little boy in my arms and remember my father and how much he would have loved to be in my place with his grandson.



Today as we were leaving Grandmama's, Cavett smashed his thumb in the sliding glass door. Immediately tears fell and his thumb turned all shades of green, blue and purple. We managed with some ice, a bandage (for looks) and kisses until we got home. (He also got to hear about Dadoo losing half of his thumb when he was little!) When he got in the tub, he asked if he could "wash the purple off!" Dad decided that the pressure needed to be relieved and got a safety pin and tried to burn a hole into the nail. After three times and immense pain and agony, we prayed for God to give Cavett strength and to let the nail be pierced. It worked. Stephen got the hole poked and immediately Cavett felt better. Hopefully he won't loose the nail. Isn't God good?

Picture was taken after hole was pricked.

God's Reasoning

After a 5 month hiatus, due to child-birth...I had my first rehearsal back with Cantare, a professional chamber group in Houston, last night. It was so good to be singing again with musicians that are so atune to the details. The sad news is that one of our members, Sally, just died in a car accident last week. Our first rehearsal was cancelled due to the funeral. I opted out for several reasons, one of which was I hadn't been to another funeral since Dad died and I wasn't sure I was up for another "tragic accident" funeral.

During last night's rehearsal Kevin, our director, spoke about Sally a bit and gave some reasoning. He said that sometimes people have more impact on us after we are gone than while we are here. And that maybe it was God's plan to have other's lives changed by taking her so quickly.

As with Dad, I know for certain he changed people's lives while he was here. But, after his memorial service, I had heard that he changed the lives of people he hadn't even met. Maybe God took him to change me. We will never really know during our time here on earth, but there is a Masterplan.

Happy All Saints Day

In our end is our beginning, in our time infinity;
In our doubt there is believing; in our life, eternity.
In our death a resuerrection; at the last, a victory,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

Words and Music: Natalie Sleeth, 1986

Unfortunately, this is the only digital pic I have of Dadoo. We got our camera just before his death and my scanner is broken. :(

A Remembrance Requiem

This week marks the last time Dadoo was in Houston. It was 5 years and 3 days ago. It was a significant time in my life and I'm so very glad he was there. I was conducting my Masters Rectial of Faure's Requiem. For the most part, Dadoo didn't go to my concerts growing up. Looking at it in retrospect, I guess I am like him. I would rather be performing than listening. Mom has told me that sitting through church choir rehearsals used to drive him batty. Like father, like daughter. Concerts that he did go to, he would sit in the audience and sing or hum along--usually the bass part, of course.

For some reason, I am drawn to Requiems. They are the major works that I like best--Mozart, Durufle, Verdi, Webber. But, Faure's in terms of text hits home the best. Most requiems emphasize the judgement day, fire and brimstone, the bottomless lake and the pleading with God, "you promised Abraham!" (See Mozart and Verdi's Dies irae, Mozart's Offertorium, Webber's Lacrimosa , Durufle's Libera me) But, like Brahm's German Requiem, Faure's view was more peaceful. He used the In Paradisum (from the Burial Service) which speaks of angels welcoming you into paradise and reminds us of the conversation of Martha and Jesus in John 11:25. Faure seemed to be at peace with his soul and his relationship with his heavenly Father.

I, too, am at peace with my relationship with God and why he took my earthly father. I may not know why or have the answers, but He does and that is what matters. All I know is that Dadoo is in heaven and if he isn't singing with the angels, he is at least humming the bass part!

P.S.--Ironically, it is surmised that Faure's own father's death may have lead to the composition of this work.